Sunday, June 10, 2012

Pro Wrestling Worst Champions...with WWE's Christian!




Since its inception, many champions have positively sculpted the halls of pro wrestling history and elevated it several notches above the circus sideshow it was in the past. These men used their talent, charisma and athleticism to be larger than life and were rightfully booked to hold many promotions' championships and increase box office draws nationwide. Today, The Man-Cave celebrates some of those wrestlers...who totally did not deserved to be called champions. Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Mr. Perfect....you won't find those names on this list.

To assist in today's post is a man who has currently held several single as well as tag team championships throughout his illustrious career and knows just who is unworthy of holding title gold. It is none another than Captain Charisma himself, Christian* of the WWE!


 The Man-Cave: "What up, Peep? Welcome to The Man-Cave!"


Christian: "I am the Parchissi!"


The Man-Cave: "And...I'm not calling you that. Look we're taking up readers' valuable time, so let's get to it."





#1 - Strike Force
WWF Tag Team Championship

See? This whole throwing singles wrestlers together to form terrible tag teams is not a recent Vince McMahon concept. He did it as far back as 1987 when he took two talented athletes who have held singles titles, Rick Martel (AWA Champ) and Tito Santana (WWF Intercontinental Champ), together to make Strike Force! Sounds like a can't-miss prospect, huh? Well these two are certainly quick and talented grapplers, but their name did not match the product. Santana and Martel went from bruising and bloody matches to wearing white tighties, that resembled shiny Hanes underwear, and gave them a girlie entrance song: "Girls in Cars". That's right...when McMahon wanted you to think of his team, he wanted you to think of Jimmy Hart's penned tune from the Piledriver album. It is unsure who exactly this team was marketed for. Kids? Chicks? The Blind? Who knows!

To get them over, he had them defeat the Hart Foundation for the WWF Tag Team Championships, but soon realized that he goofed, so he had them drop the belts to Demolition at Wrestlemania IV. For some odd reason, he had them reunite and face The Brain Busters at the next Wrestlemania, where Martel turned heel on Santana and put the gimmick to bed forever...thank God.


   The Man-Cave: "Poor Martel and Santana. They deserved better than this given their talents, but should not have been anywhere near the title scene with that gimmick."


Christian: They screwed another Canadian! I can't believe it!"


    The Man-Cave: "Actually, Martel was FRENCH-Canadian and Santana of Hispanic descent, but I see where you were going. I think."




#2 - Ezekiel Jackson
WWE Intercontinental Championship

Big Zeke was a powerhouse force to be reckoned with when he was with the Corre. Finally, he broke free and feuded his former leader Wade Barrett. Now, he had no charisma, was terrible on the mic, and used clotheslines as his main offensive weapons. But you know McMahon and his obsession with big, muscle guys...so he gave him the Intercontinental Title at last year's Capital Combat when he defeated Barrett. The crowd's pop level equaled 0.0 when it happened and he was then booed when he gave a post-match acceptance speech. Currently, he is a jobber to people way smaller than him.

Although, he does have a cool entrance theme. Other than that, this was a bad idea and he lost the title to Cody Rhodes soon after.



The Man-Cave: "That was awful. Just awful. Hey, didn't you have to job to him at some, Christian?"


Christian: "With a 'z', is that supposed to scare us? I guess I should take the `S' out of Christian and call myself 'Chriztian'."


The Man-Cave: "No...please don't."




#3 - Rocky Maivia
First WWF Intercontinental Championship
Now hang on a second there before you start jumping the gun. This is not The Rock we are talking about. We are talking about "The Blue Chipper" Rocky Maivia, who Vince McMahon praised for being a third generation superstar and shoved down our throats before we decided whether we liked him or not. He was green, both inexperienced in the ring and on the mic, and wore one of the most ridiculous outfits ever on WWE programming. So while the WWF was getting killed in the ratings by WCW, the desperate McMahon threw a major title on him before he was ready and the fans hated him for it. It all came to an end when Owen Hart beat him on RAW shortly afterward.
This horrible debut would have damaged most youngsters' careers, yet Dwayne Johnson used this setback as fuel to his fire and the rest is history. In many ways, without Maivia, The Rock probably would have never been born.


The Man-Cave: "His whole persona made you throw up in your mouth. It is still unbelievable that he and The Rock were played by the same performer and he went on to become such an icon to the sport."
Christian: "Yeah but think about it. Rock and Undertaker wouldn't want to touch us and no one's going to want to look down our pants.
 The Man-Cave: "Ok. Why did you drag 'Taker into this conversation and who said anything about looking down our pants? This just got real awkward, so let's keep moving on and like, now!"
 
#4 - Steve "Mongo" McMichael
WCW United States Championship

If this brings back any bad memories, sincerest apologies are offered. Yes believe it or not, this ex-Chicago Bear was given one of (at the time) illustrious singles titles in NWA/WCW history held by legends such as Roddy Piper and Barry Windham. He botched moves more than he breathed and was laughable in his promos. He was the classic example of Eric Bischoff trying to out-celeb Vince McMahon in the 90's and his matches are the heart and soul of today's YouTube sensation Botchamania.
He debuted with the company as a commentator and he was terrible at that. Then, they put him in the ring and he was terrible at that. Finally, they made him (gasp!), a member of the Four Horsemen, where he is easily the worst member ever to join the stable (Paul Roma is a CLOSE second). 
 The Man-Cave: "See, Christian. There are worse things than debuting as a member of The Brood and not having a speaking part. Non-speaking roles should have gone to guys like Mongo. Right?"
Christian: "....."


The Man-Cave: "Right, Christian?"


Christian: "....."


The Man-Cave: "Christian!!!"




The Man-Cave: "I guess if you count until 1999 as forever, then yeah you're right."




#5 - Jeff Jarrett
Pick a title, any title

Oh the wonders of being the son of a famous and respected territory booker. So much was handed to him and yet he is still so bitter. About what, who knows? The guy constantly complains about McMahon giving him the country star gimmick, yet it was his most interesting and memorable PLUS it came with a lengthy Intercontinental Title reign. After that, his gimmick was to shoot and complain about the business all of the time, like Shane Douglas only more boring.
Since then, painful title reigns came with him no matter how many promotions he hopped to, and he should thank papa Jerry Jarrett for that. Otherwise, he would have been forgotten about long ago and would have REALLY had something to complain about.


The Man-Cave: "And you think that you have been wronged by not having more meaningful world title reigns? At least people like and respect you in the business."


Christian: "It turns our stomachs to see people like Booker T and Goldust, with their...their jive talking and their freakish behavior become heroes to millions of American youth."


 The Man-Cave: "Ok there you go going off into outer space again. Come on, stay with me because we are almost finished here."




#6 - Vince Russo
WCW Championship

When bookers and booking went bad in WCW, it went straight into the gutter. Russo got a lot of credit for McMahon's "Attitude Era" that turned the tides into WWF's favor during the storied Monday Night Wars. So when he left WWF for WCW, he was the anointed savior of the promotion. Instead of "saving" WCW, he put the final nails in its coffin by creating absurd "shoot" angles, booking countless "On a Pole" matches and making himself the WCW champ. To say this guy thought a lot of himself is an understatement. It was bad enough David Arquette won the gold (that moment was already covered on this site last summer), but he made himself the star of WCW. That really out butts in the seat.
He's gone onto TNA where he helped ruin that promotion before being let go, but at least he didn't make himself the X-Division champ before he departed. This was an absolute joke and he needed to be the one to close this out.
 
 The Man-Cave: "I bet he was the one who made you the mute of The Brood. Am I right?"
Christian: "....."


The Man-Cave: "Not again! I had to say 'Brood' didn't I? Snap out of it, dude, because we are out of here. Any last words for the readers?"


Christian: "I know this guy who's the friend of a friend of the guy that knows the cousin of the editor of Tiger Beat and I have a meeting with him tonight."


 The Man-Cave: "Umm..well good luck with that and say hi to Justin Bieber for us. And thank you for stopping by, peep! You are always welcome back."






*Note: This is a parody post and the real Christian was not a part of it, only his real life quotes were used. But if you actually believed this was Christian, well you are a Mark, Henry!



2 comments:

Fred [The Wolf] said...

Hilarious. And I agree with all of these actually.

Big Zeke was a huge flop. I was so happy with Cody beat him for that title and made it something again.

The only thing I remember about Strike Force is the break up. Other than that, foggy at best.

"Die, Rocky, Die!" - Best thing to ever happen to Dwayne Johnson.

Mongo and Russo - oh God...

I didn't mind Jarrett's title reigns in the WWE. But everywhere else? Yeah, pretty much.

The Man-Cave said...

Gracias, Fred! You only remember the Strike Force breakup...so there you go. Ha!

Zeke should have been nowhere near a title picture and now he has gone on to job on SD.

Glad you enjoyed the list!

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