Wednesday, December 30, 2009

ETMC's Inaugural 2009 IT and SHIT Awards!

Welcome to ETMC's 2009 IT and SHIT Awards Show live from the Man-Cave in Philadelphia. The IT and SHIT Awards are presented to the Best and Worst of 2009. So please take your seats as the commencement is about to begin...



THE IT AWARDS



Badass of the Year: Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger
No runner-ups.

Dude saved lives by staying cool in life-or-death circumstance
. 'Nuff said


Best Movie
(Theatrical Release) : The Hangover



Runner-ups: Avatar, District 9, Paranormal Activity

Avatar cost a zillion times more than Hangover and made me feel like I was on another planet, but Hangover gets slight edge here based on script and breakthrough performances. Fat Jesus rules.


"I don't owe you a fucking thing, Geof!"


Best T.V. Series: True Blood
Runner-ups:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, How I Met Your Mother

Some of you must be shocked considering I am a huge Sunny fan, but True Blood gets the nod. Rarely does a second season surpass a first season as fresh and entertaining,in terms of greatness, but the second season was able to perform this feat as awesome as the first season was. With that in mind, think of how good the second season must be. This is Sunny's best season in a while but I give enough love to them on here as it is.

(ETMC Note: I am in the middle of Dexter Season 2 an I love it. Haven't gotten to 3 and 4 yet but I bet Dexter would be in this list if these seasons are as good as the first two.)


Best Marketing: Paranormal Activity

Runner-ups: Avatar (because it's EVERYWHERE)

I think this is a no-brainer. There should be NO argument here.


Best New Series: The League
Runner-Ups: V, Melrose Place, The Vampire Diaries

The League looked like a one-trick pony, but this series about the team owners and not about fantasy football itself was a riot. Great lesser known cast made this one fly. I can only hope I remember what happens on V when it comes back in like four months. The other two runner-ups are two of my guilty pleasures. I never watched the original Melrose Place, but watching Ashlee Simpson fail and fail again in acting was some of the best comedy on television - so Melrose gets a mention. That and Katie Cassidy's hot, but more on that later. After watching the debut due to curiosity, The Vampire Diaries caught and kept my interest. Lead Paul Wesley looks like he is constipated the whole time which is high-larious, but Ian Somerhalder is one of the best "bad guys you like to hate" on television.


Most Underrated Series: Harper's Island
Runner-Ups: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (canceled)

For as many horror blogs I follow and even the couple posts I wrote to support this one-season series, I am so surprised that Harper's Island either went completely disregarded or got trashed. It was essentially 13-part slasher flick, that admittedly had some boring parts, was a real treat for horror fans on the small screen. The series contained a b-movie slasher formula, but it broke the TV series "mold" by being gory as hell (especially for CBS of all stations!), implemented some creative and memorable deaths, and even contained some shocking surprises in the last couple of episodes. Also, it had Katie Cassidy as a brunette, who is hot...but again more on that later. This one is on NetFlix if you haven't seen it yet. TSCC started to get some legs when they transported things into the future, but was abruptly canceled leaving an ambiguous ending meant to be a season cliffhanger.



Hottest New Chick: Lady Gaga


"Thanks for the award, Geof! I wanna take a ride on YOUR disco stick."

Runner-Ups: Katie Cassidy, Katy Perry, January Jones

I think this is another no-brainer. Underneath all of the makeup and funky clothes,
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta is a really beautiful woman. Add the sexy clothes, the fact that she can both actually sing and play her own instruments and maintain a fun, non-snobby attitude just keeps adding on the extra points. 2009 was the year of Gaga, while Megan Fox bitched, moaned and gave her "opinions" too much thus sinking her status throughout the year. See, I told you Katie Cassidy is hot!


Best Video Game: Left For Dead 2
Runner-Ups: Assassin's Creed 2, Gears of War 2, NHL '10

This was a tough decision because I have been screaming L4D2's praises as Game of the Year for the last couple of months. My recent foray into Assassin's Creed 2 exposes this as a deep and addicting yet fun game. Edge goes to zombies though. Always does. Both should be played if you are game and even if you hated the originals. Gears of War 2 was just a good as the first one and no game ever made me feel like I was really playing ice hockey then NHL '10.


Best Moment You Probably Missed: Artie Lange ruins Joe Buck Live
Runner-Ups: Facebook FAIL, Jenny Slate drops F-bomb on SNL

HBO yanked this off the Man-Cave when I first posted it over the summer. Why? Because Lange ruined the show for Buck, but actually made it entertaining for Buck haters. Buck's year-after-year on air bias for certain sports teams he obviously dislikes (cough, cough, Philly teams) got put in check after Lange embarrassed him and then the nation supported Lange in the Buck harassment. You can find Facebook FAIL in the ETMC archives. It wound up being false, but hysterical. Finally, my eyes bogged out of my head when Jenny Slate said "Fucking" on SNL, but she became a phantom on the show for the next few following weeks. This is You-Tubeable so check it out.



THE SHIT AWARDS





What a "Dickhead Moment":
Kanye "Imma Let ya Finish" West at the VMA
Runner-ups: Christian Bale freaking out, Tiger Woods lying about playing pokey-man with chicks


"Imma let you finish Kanye, but I had one of the biggest dickhead moments of all time. And Geof, you are and I are done professionally man, I'm serious."


Why is Kanye West famous again and why did he embarrass a teenager on an awards show that doesn't even really mean anything in the first place? Hopefully that will be enough of him. I am a HUGE fan of Christian Bale, but he really was being a dick and throwing an actor tantrum. But I still love the guy. Tiger Woods should have just manned up like Letterman...see! I bet you forgot about him playing pokey-mon with his interns already. "


Worst Movie (Theatrical Release): Halloween 2
Runner-ups: Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen, The Unborn

I defended the remake to Halloween to the gills and then Zombie lays an egg with the sequel. The white horse sequences were laughably bad and killed the credibility and story strength of the first installment. Transformers 2 got out through the ringer for good reason. How can a story involving my beloved Transformers be so boring? Just watch this film and see. The Unborn...Gary Oldman must have needed money to buy a house in Hawaii or something.

Worst Marketing: The annoying "song" ads for iPhone/iPod

Runner-ups: Luke Wilson's AT&T ads

iPod commercials are on WAY too much. And Luke Wilson? Just see my post from earlier this month on his ads.


Most Annoying Person: Jon and Kate Gosselin (tie)
Runner-Ups: Miley Cyrus, Heidi and Spencer or Speidi, Adam Lambert, Jon Mayer

Jon and Kate, the eyesores of my native state, have now been cast away after being media whores for a majority of the year. Miley Cyrus is an unattractive, trashy redneck with money who says a lot of stupid shit in the media. Her songs still sound silly and have about as much depth as a 1 inch rain puddle. Who anointed Adam Lambert as popular all of a sudden. Why because he kisses guys? So does my sister and she's not considered an edgy rock star. Jon Mayer, please stop giving your views and opinions on worldly events every chance you get. No one cares really. Just keep strumming your guitar and act all folky and shit. And for the love of all things righteous Heidi, please don't forget to take your birth control every day. Spawning with that flesh-colored beard sissy boy Spencer should not be an option...EVER!



Most Played Out News Story: Tiger Woods' Infidelity (by a landslide)
Runner-Ups: Chris Brown/Rhianna Abuse, The Balloon Boy

I already said my peace on Tiger again and again on the Man-Cave so I'll give him a pass here, but I hope the world is tried of hearing about this every day. The Chris Brown/Rhianna news was suffocating. The Balloon Boy was just too much for too long as well.


Biggest "Who Cares?" Moment: The White House Party Crashers
Runner-Ups: Adam Lambert gets, J-Lo and Whitney Houston's comeback

If I see one more shot of those two walking into the party and getting their picture taken, I'm going to lose it. Again, Adam Lambert kissed a boy and so does my sister. But more importantly it should be noted that the "pop"-py crap he sings on the radio is not rock. Thus he is not a rocker, so stop calling him that. J-Lo and Whitney Houston...what's up with these freakin' corpses running around? Is this Return of the Has-Been Dead or something?


Worst T.V. Series: Hung
(sorry Thomas Jane! It's not your fault though)
Runner-Ups: The Cleveland Show
, Flash Forward

Hung was a show that started slow and never got any better. The only good things to come out of that show is that Thomas Jane is still working and that I was introduced to Philadelphia native hottie Rebecca Creskoff. I love the Cleveland character but I just don't think it is funny. Flash Forward started off good then seemed like it was trying to be Lost 2.0 or something. Especially when they brought in that hobbit dude. And I was really looking forward to watching that show.


"Show creators, please stay at the podium to accept the next awards..."


Worst New Series:
Hung (sorry Thomas Jane, it's true)
Runner-Ups: The Cleveland Show, Flash Forward


"You can take this award and stick it up your ass! What the hell is a Man-Cave anyway."


Worst Video Game: Rogue Warrior
Runner-Ups: Brutal Legend, Band Hero

I spent enough time playing these poor titles and I don't feel like wasting any more time telling you about them. They suck, so avoid.


Thanks for attending the first Annual It and Shit Awards. And stay tuned for your local news next...


DISCLAIMER: THESE AWARDS ARE BASED ON MY OPINION, NOT ON RATINGS AND POPULAR OPINION.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (2009)


The gang releases a "sunny' present for fans just in time for Christmas

The gang from the hit show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Rob McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Kaitlin Olson, and Danny DeVito) takes their show to the Direct-to-DVD arena in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas. At first glance, it might seem like a marketing ploy to squeeze some more money out of the Sunny fans and well it is from a financial aspect. But it is also worth every spent penny and fans should feel that they will get the most bang for their bucks. A Very Sunny Christmas is an uninterrupted, 43-minute extended episode that steps the laughs up a level (which is unbelievable) that is probably not suitable for the FX Network.

The premise (without spoiling anything substantial) is that the gang enters some crazy random hijinx that would happen in any episode: Dee and Mac attempt to gain vengeance on Frank for ruining their Christmas mornings since they were little kids, while Charlie and Mac attempt to redeem themselves for their past transgressions after some hilarious revelations. A leather couch, a Lamborghini, Mike Schmidt, a snow blower from the Poconos, Scrooge, Omni-bot, the Simon game, and a mall Santa are all revolving pieces that complete the story. The gang also gets to drop a few "F-bombs" without getting censored, which is a funny addition to their usual dialogue.

Other moments that standout include Charlie and Mac discussing their Christmas childhoods, which are also shown in flashbacks. We also get to find out how Frank got to become a millionaire, before losing everything, which is a real hoot. And finally, there is an animation based on the older Rudolf, Frosty and Santa specials which is done in typical Sunny style.

Special Features include deleted scenes of young Mac and Charlie, which are great and should definitely not be skipped over. Other features include commentaries and a "Making-of" featurette.


A great example of why you must see this

If you are a fan of the T.V. series, this is a must own. An extended episode of this quality will hopefully calm your appetite until next season's premiere. If the RCG crew keeps releasing these DVD episodes, the content needs to be at this high caliber especially if the FX seasons remain as short as they are. That being said, if this was considered a part of this season's lineup, it is by far the best the episode. And that says a lot since this season was the group's best effort in a couple years sans Dayman episodes.


Nice sweater, Charlie

In closing, the gang's debut on another format is easily a huge success. And this is based on the raving reviews from not only myself, but the legions of support I have read over the past few days. This has instantly become a permanent addition to my Christmas viewing list for years to come. If you are a fan, please buy it because you will want to watch it again and again. If you are a casual fan or have never seen the show before but are curious, rent...but definitely rent and see it. The gang knocks one out of the park with this entry and only makes you more impatient for next season's offerings.

If I had to give a pun-like rating, I'd say: "If this episode is an egg, then it's served Sunny side up." Lame, right? Awesome! I thought so too.


(this review is based on the Blu Ray version)

Monday, December 28, 2009

ETMC's After-Holidays Giveaway!!!!


This is a No-Ho Giveaway, Tiger!


Hello Followers and Friends of Enter The Man-Cave! I hope you all got what you wanted for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice or whatever you celebrate. If you did not, let me help you out.
As 2009 comes to a close, ETMC surpasses 200 posts and just to give something back to my uber-awesome blogger friends, let me offer you a $25 gift card to Best Buy. That way if you are in the need of movies, music, computer accessories, video games, appliances, etc. - this should help you out. I do want to mention that this is not a sponsored giveaway and the gift card is coming straight out of my pocket to show my appreciation of your support to my little hobby.

The rules to enter are real simple:


1) Follow me (or let me know if you do already)

2) Let me know what you like about the site and would like to see more of via commentting on this post. Movie reviews, rants, humorous nonsense? Let me know. Or make a suggestion on what you would like to see on here.


3) And if you feel inclined to advertise this giveaway on your blog, I will make sure to give you more "chances" to win.

That's pretty easy, no? No jumping through fiery hoops involved.


Since a lot of my blogger buds have been leaving posts about being away from their computers for the holidays, I am going to leave this open until January 20th so everyone gets a fair chance at this one. Again, please make your submission by January 20th, 2010. And have a wonderful holiday season!


Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's Better To Receive Than to Give...My Christmas gifts!


A cozy, plasma screen fire warms my home on X-Mas



I just wanted to share some of my Christmas morning gifts:






It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas on Blu-Ray:

I'll be reviewing this one soon. 43 minutes of f'n hilarity and instantly becomes required holiday viewing for next year.





The Hangover
on Blu-Ray:


My favorite movie of 2009. This was one of my first reviews on ETMC, so you can click this link to check it out. Can't wait to see the extras on this one!






The Bro Code
by Barney Stinson:

Based on the hit show How I Met Your Mother, this book has all of the rules that every bro must live by. I had no idea this was a NY Times Bestseller, but my wife did so she surprised me with it. How important do I think the "Bro Code" is, check out my sidebar.


Gamer Doc:

A year subscription to a local video game rental store. So now I have another year to geek out on games in the Man-Cave. Word!



Awesome Clothes and Shoes: That's all I'm saying because I don't talk fashion on here or else this would be the Woman-Cave. My new digs are cool and that's all you need to know.





Philadelphia Phillies World Champs Frame:


My wife took all of my World Series newspapers and programs from 2008 and got them professionally framed. This kind of decor inflates the Man-Cave's value tenfold plus it was such a thoughtful and unexpected gift. Those World Series materials sat in my workroom for over a year with the intention of getting them framed but I never got around to it. So she finally got it done for me being the Alpha-Wife that she is.
This is the kind of thing you would see framed and sold for $1,000 in some sports memorabilia shops, I shit you not. The frame and cutting is so top quality. Ok I'll stop gushing.


"Flip-adelphia" t-shirt:
This is the famous shirt from this year's season finale of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I had no idea that this shirt actually existed, but it did and my wife has one one the way. Maybe I will model it in a picture and post for all of you if I get drunk enough. Flip-Flip-Flipadelphia!


Finally, I am totally joking in my title about the whole giving and receiving thing. The important thing for me was to make sure I got Jules everything she wanted on time for X-Mas day. It's a lot harder than it sounds because I was on the road the last month and a half and I was bogged down with being in the office when I actually was home. Anybody who read this blog (or personally saw me on the road) knows this to be fact. So Jules got treated like a princess and that is the true meaning of Christmas...END OF PSA.



Hope everybody out there got what they wanted under their tree and can't wait to read some posts about your holiday booty.


Silent Night Deadly Night 2 on NES - MUST SEE!

Merry Christmas and Happy Garbage Day!!!

You must watch this short clip. If only this were real...



Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays to You All!!




Just want to wish all of my blogger-verse friends a Happy Holiday Season!! Be safe but most importantly, have FUN!! Actually scratch that last part - go crazy and be reckless. 'Tis the season and all. Before you go, please see my gift for you all below...




A Special Christmas Eve Carol!



Remember this as you gather around your tree tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Blizzard Cinema Finale: Santa's Slay (2005)

DISCLAIMER: This review was written on 12/20/09 during the Philadelphia Snowstorm...

I read about Santa's Slay many years ago before it was released. The main staying power of this flick in my mind was most notably because of Bill Goldberg. Sure my curiosity to see Goldberg as a murderous St. Nick was very appealing, but I could only imagine that this was going to be possibly been one of the worst pieces of celluloid ever. And I mean that in a bad way, like Vegas Vampires for example. So I passed on it...for four years. After watching the wonderful Hatchet and enduring the pieces of shit known as Subterano and Vegas Vampires this weekend, I figured why not take a ride on Santa's Slay?

As I watched the opening scene and saw James Caan, Chris Kataan, Rebecca Gayheart and Fran Drescher sitting around the table for dinner while engaging some humorous situations, I told my wife that I think I DVR'd the wrong film. Then Goldberg comes crashing through the ceiling to comically, yet brutally, dispose of the horrible family they portrayed. All bets were off and I knew I was in for some fun.


Well it's not the same as getting shot to death at a tollbooth, but...

In short, Satan's son Santa loses a bet 1,000 years ago that forces him to be "nice" and bring toys to children on Christmas. Guess what year it is in this film? Yup. The pact is up, so now Santa is decking the hall with blood and guts as he hunts down the descendants of the angel he lost that bet to 1,000 years ago. Santa really knows how to hold a grudge. This was a goofy film but I thought it was funny as hell. At no time is this film trying to be scary in the least. It reminds me of an adult version of a kid's Christmas movie. Do you follow me? This is a very fresh horror-comedy that rides with the bizarre and not embarrassed to admit it either.


Fran's audition for the role of Firestar was pretty unimpressive

Bonus points go out to the cast. Besides the surprising cameos in the beginning, Goldberg is awesome as the Yuletide Slayer thus redeeming himself for his role in the god awful Half Past Dead 2. Then there is the kid from Big Love (Douglas Smith) and the skeet-skeet daughter from Hills Have Eyes (Emilie de Ravin), who are very passable as the main protagonists. Playing Smith's grandfather is Robert Culp, from one of my favs The Greatest American Hero and always a good site to see in a film. And let me not forget to mention Dave Thomas who will always be Doug McKenzie in my heart. Hoser.

If I have to pick a bone at something, it would be the ending. Kinda lame and uneventful. The overall film was a very original idea and deserved a more creative ending. The only thing that redeems the ending is the "extended" ending right before the credits roll, which I won't give away here. Those who have seen this know what I am talking about and is a bit funny.

This is not a film that deserves any cinematic award, but you can tell the filmmakers were not asking for one either. However you did get a feeling that everyone involved in this project was having fun making a silly movie. I haven't heard any commentaries or watched any "making-ofs" about this film, so if these guys were not having fun, they really hid it well on screen. Especially Goldberg. He looks like he is having an absolute blast, like when he uses his patented "Spear" wrestling move to take out a deli owner. Or when he yells out: "I'm Santa Claus not fucking Dracula!"


Goooolllddddbbeeerrrgg. I mean Saaannntttaa.

The final product was nothing I was expecting at all, including the film's tone and the level of acting. This was a great pick-me-up after the last two films I watched during the blizzard and got me in a good enough mood to shovel my ass out of 2+ feet of snow. I recommend checking this one out during the holidays if you have not yet already.


Final Blizzard Cinema Scores:


Hatchet
= PWNS!


Subterano
= go something useful, like giving out soup to the homeless instead


Vegas Vampires
= avoid like a used heroin needle (you know if you do heroin and all)


Santa's Slay
= would have only been better if Eric Freeman made a cameo

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Blizzard Cinema: Vegas Vampires (2003)

This review was written for the weekend of 12/19/-12/20

I love vampires. I love Vegas alot. But I f'n hate this film an awful lot! How can two things I love be so bad together? Simple...distribute absolute shit like like this. This would have been another edition of Amateur Hour on Enter The Man-Cave but this excrement would tarnish AH's integrity. As much as I love Fred Williamson as an actor, this directorial effort is easily the worst film I have seen this year. Yeah that's how bad Vegas Vampires is.

It's so hard to even call this a film. First of all, it looks like it was shot on video. Second, it looks like there was more thought put into this post then there was into the actual film. Most importantly, it's boring and unwatchable. Oh and even though this film is not meant to be serious, it is not funny or entertaining in the least.

The plot is virtually non-existant, but let me try to give you an overview: Vegas cops (Tiny Lister and Glenn Plummer) are investigating a string of murders, vampires cross paths with a couple in Vegas for their wedding and two strip club owners (Fred Williamson and Richard Roundtree) duel with some vamps. And I don't want to forget to tell you that some Vatican-ordered vampire slayer nun shows up to help out and becomes the love interest for Lister. That's right...Tiny "Zeus" Lister finally gets an on-screen romance. And Daniel Baldwin is in it for a cup of coffee even though he is on the top bill.

Vegas Vampires is like an MRI: it's boring and you won't really miss anything if you fall asleep during the process. Even a scene with Richard Roundtree and Fred Williamson making cracks while they fight some vamps is just so boring. How can those two talking shot before beating some ass be so lame?

The lessons to take from this film is:

1) Avoid. I jumped on the grenade for you all. You're welcome. Happy Holidays from ETMC

2) It pays to have blackmailing photos of celebrities no matter what level they are. How else can you explain how the hell so many familiar faces ended up in this video project? Even if it was Williamson at the helm.

Lastly, Glenn Plummer...what happened to your career? You are way, way better than appearing in shit like this. Way, way, way better. I know a paycheck is a paycheck but what's going on?

I spent enough time on this crap and I give it an Utter Dreck rating!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Blizzard Cinema: Subterano (2003)

I DVD'd this one blindly because it sounded like it had a cool premise. A group of people are forced to play a real life-or-death video game in large underground garage. Sounds like it could be fun, right? Well it wasn't.

The film takes place in the future where an evil government leads an uber-capitalistic society. The son of a goverment bigwig, who is also a boy genius, tricks a group of people into an underground garage to play a realistic version of a virtual reality he created called Subterano. One of the unwilling players is the only actor I recognized, Alex Dimitriades from Ghost Ship. He led a terrorist group attack against the evil government but was captured in the act. His escape in the very beginning of this flick leads him to his girlfriend and into the aforementioned underground garage with a bunch of throwaway characters. Once they are forced into playing the game, we find out the characters' main antagonists are remote-controlled toys. Yup. Killer remote-controlled toys. Boy did I feel a little duped when this was revealed and it turned me off the rest of the film. This was bad considering that the film had a slow start and I hoped things would pick up once the action began.

This Australian-made production was made in conjunction with Showtime pictures...and you could tell. The production levels are decent enough, but the story is a bit disjointed in the beginning and the film itself was annoyingly predictable. Another problem is that this film is listed as a Horror/SciFi and boasts a Cube feel (even the endings seem the same), but the latter is a far superior film. Speaking of the ending, the last shot is unintentionally funny. And a horror film should have an on-screen death less than 50 minutes into a film with a running time of 100 minutes.

I would not recommend it unless you are way into virtual reality video games and a sci-fi lover. It's ambitious (fail) with too much backstory for a film about people playing in a life or death video game. All of the characters' subplots thrown in should not take away from the fact that this is what the film is really all about.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Blizzard Cinema Part 1: Hatchet (2006)



Easy Guys! You are all getting a great review!

Backwoods slashers are my favorite of mine but sometimes I get tired of seeing the same ol' same ol'. I DVR'd some films over the week while I was in N.C. and one of them was Hatchet. While 20 in. of snowstorm bounded me to my home this weekend, I decided to get this one out of the way.

After years of passing on this one several times in the rental store or skipping it on the pay channels, I had to ask myself one question now that I had seen it: "Why did it take me so long to finally get around to watching this one?" This movie was (pardon my immatureness) fucking awesome!

After seeing Robert Englund in the opening scene and the names Tony Todd and Kane Hodder listed in the credits, I had an idea that it was probably an homage piece. But I did not realize that the film was also going to be as pure camp.

Another treat was discovering Joel David Moore as the lead character Ben, who has cracked me up before in Grandma's Boy and Dodgeball. I really li
ke this guy (glad to see he is in Avatar). Other recognizable faces include Deon Richmond (the "Bling-Bling" token guy in Not Another Teen Movie), Richard Riehle (Office Space) and Joel Murray (One Crazy Summer).

Down in New Orleans after a breakup with his longtime girlfriend, Ben (Moore) drags his friend Marcus (Richmond) away from the party scene in Mardi Gras to go on a haunted swamp ride. Soon the guys learn that it would have been better to throw beads at Gras skeet-skeets instead of being hunted down and slaughtered along with the rest of the tour's group by deformed killer Victor Crowley (played by Hodder...awesome). Crowley is considered a local myth with a bit of weird backstory, but one thing is certain - he's real enough to kill anyone who gets close to his home in the secluded swamp.

Some of the death scenes have to be seen to be believed because they are outrageously gory and flat out ridiculous, but 100% cool! The gore was so over-the-top that I could not help but laugh at the way people were off'ed, which might be related to my unusual sense of humor. All of the deaths are non-generic, which means they will be memorable well after you have finished watching the film.



Buzzsaws - the ultimate in getting a close shave

The "horror-comedy film" has been done several times before, but something about this film makes it seem original and fresh, even though I read director Adam Green made this as an homage to the Friday the 13th films and the slasher aspect of the story is by-the-numbers. Maybe it is the fact that the film hits homeruns with all of its comedic dialogu
e, especially from the mouths of Moore and Richmond as well as Parry Shen who plays the shady tour guide. Or maybe it's the fact that while the film's horror aspect never tries to be particularly terrifying and humorous elements are scattered all over the film, the ending seems to be played straight and is very abrupt. While I was not really a fan of the ending at first, my opinion did change when I read the "homage" comments from Green. So I get it now. Either way it does not detract from the rest of the film.

Some standout moments:

- Clive Washington (Tony Todd) tells what seems to be a caution story to our two male leads about the dangers of swamp tours. Just when we as the audience think we will get some knowledge on the killer, he hilariously ends the story by telling them how he was sued by a person who hurt himself on his tour boat, so he shut the tour down.

- Ben lamely telling Marybeth how cool her name is, while getting kicked in the ass and slapped in his head by Marcus.

- Shawn (Parry Shen) jumping back and forth betw
een his many accents.

- Marcus making a joke about Shawn (who is Asian but talking with a southern accent). "He looks like he should be in 'Enter The Song of the South."

- Misty (Mercedes McNab) taking the 'dumb blonde' character to a whole other level, all the while showing enough skin to keep the male audience happy.

- The death scenes. For example, how many times do you get to see someone die by a pro wrestling move like the Surfboard?

- The crazy ass ending.



Wow! Someone actually brought along a gun in one of these movies. 'Bout time!

Final Thoughts: a massive snowstorm fated me into watching this film today and it has immediately become a favorite. In a way, it feels a little like Return of the Living Dead only less scary than even that film. It is not a serious horror film, so please avoid if that's what you're looking for, but this is going down as one of the best movies I was able to see in 2009. And I can only hope the sequel in '10 is close to being this good.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

There's Snow Place Like Home: Philadelphia meets Hoth



I'm under attack here in Philadelphia as you can see


Sorry about the lame pun, but I finally get to stay home for an entire weekend just in time for a record-setting December snowstorm. 20 in. of snow is predicted to cover Philadelphia by early Sunday morning, so I am pretty much snowbound to my home. Friday night was spent continuing my Black Christmas holiday tradition as well as a viewing of Silent Night, Deadly Night. But now I want some fresh blood before Christmas Eve.

I DVR'd some films this week, so I am going to be playing some catch up this weekend and posting about the films in my forthcoming Blizzard Cinema reviews. Here's the current lineup:

1) Subterrano

2) Vegas Vampires

3) Hatchet (one I have really wanting to get around to seeing)

4) Santa's Slay

It's only four films, but I need some time to shovel my wife and I out of this mess and still have leftover time to have snowball fights, play some football in the snow and potential sledding. Adult priorities, you know.

So please be on the lookout for my upcoming reviews as well as news on my second official ETMC Giveaway for the holidays. And good luck to my readers whose respective areas look like Hoth as well.

Happy rest of the weekend!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) Review


Lisa Wilcox and Ali Larter's lovechild is not pleased

I don't know what site/blog/message board/magazine it was where I read about how good this film is, but for some reason I just felt like I was missing out on a hidden STD (straight-to-DVD, pervs lol). After finally receiving this in the mail just before Thanksgiving, this DVD has been sitting on my entertainment center for the last two weeks because of my work travel schedule. Of course this meant that other DVDs would not be sent to my home by my subscription company until I returned this one. Was it worth the wait and hanging in to for so long? No. Wrong Turn 2 was a wrong move that led to a dead end. Sorry to be punny but it's true.

Wrong Turn 2 takes the same hillbilly-inbred psycho mutants from the original and puts them in a standalone sequel. I have not seen the first Wrong Turn since it was in the theaters back in 2003, but I don't think these were the same exact mutant characters that survived in that film's post-credits conclusion. Either way these mutants are on the loose in the West Virginia backwoods and in hot pursuit of contestants in a survivalist reality show. After the survival reality show concept was revealed, the first film I though of was Doomed. That film was D-Level film-making but had a special charm and was cheesily entertaining.

Before I take a piss on this sequel, I have to wonder if this film was made to be intentionally funny or not. This film was not listed as a horror-comedy on IMDB, but it sure seemed like that was the type of film I watched. It HAD to be a horror-comedy...or else I am overdue for some more medication. Ex-American Idol bitch Kim Caldwell getting split in two was laugh-inducing (in a bad way) and a scene with a jealous female mutant killing the slut that her mutant boyfriend was beating off to had me shaking my head in disbelief.

More comedic elements besides the previously mentioned masturbation scene include two mutant members having sex while the female wears one of the female contestants' skin and
Henry Rollins running around like every action movie cliche in history. There is also seemed to be a bit of a nod to Deep Blue Sea, when one character gets a deliberate revenge sub-plot and built up to be the "final character standing" only to be axed off a couple minutes later.


The saving grace of the film.

There is plenty of gore but the only notable deaths are the one in the beginning of the flick and another one involving a giant meat grinder. The other kills aren't that inspired and are pretty forgettable. The dinner scene towards the end was very reminiscence of the one in (the 1987) Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Maybe this was intentional, but definitely not as good.

It was a lot different than the usual backwoods murder flicks, and "different" is something that should be encouraged and appreciated. But any tension that usually gets built up in a horror film was eliminated after the first few minutes. The stage was set for this to be a big joke.

Was it better than the first installment? I don't know. Several years have gone by since I last saw it but I do remember that the film was played straight. And that was a pretty cool flick. As mentioned at the beginning of the post, this one is a standalone sequel that was played for some laughs it seems. And some bad ones at that.


"Cuz I'm a Liar! Cuz I'm a Liar!"

Definitely not going to give it a recommendation but it's not Amateur Hour-worthy either. Sorry. Just wasn't feeling it. Now I have to go and endure the third one because I can't help but be a completest.


ETMC Tidbits: 1) Eliza Dushku was going to come back at the beginning but backed out. Instead Kim Caldwell filled the void. Good. Offing Dushku's character in the beginning would have been to Hostel 2. Let a standalone be a standalone.

2) I had a boss named Kimberly Caldwell before. Yup. no shit.

3) Besides having an ass-kicking kinda name, Texas Battle, who played an All-American football contestant in this film, had a great death scene in Final Destination 3. When I say great, I mean funny as hell.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Giveaway Alert: Random Contest!

Hello Blogger Friends and Freaks,

There's an interesting contest going on over at Random Reviews and I wanted to spread the word. The three prizes are three randomly selected DVDs or VHS. They are not A-list films either so you know I'm all over that like ham on burger!

After stumbling upon this blog and reading several posts over the weekend, I can honestly say that Random Reviews author Dom is a damn good one. I will be reading that one frequently, I can tell you that.

Back to the contest - you should go check out his blog too and enter the contest by Christmas Day. You can read more specifics at his blog, but all you have to do is send a random e-mail to the man and hope your submission is chosen.

Well what are you waiting for?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Eric "Garbage Day" Freeman...We Salute You!



"Garbage Day!!!"

Mr. Eric Freeman, your spastic caterpillar eyebrows are always a welcome treat for horror lovers at Christmas time. Your performance as the lead in Silent Night Deadly Night 2, a film with 80% of running time dedicated to footage from its predecessor and 20% towards original footage, is stronger than Tom Hanks' turn in Forrest Gump.




Wherever you are, Mr. Freeman...We Salute You! And your funky ass eyebrows.



It took nearly two decades since this opus was released, but your poor acting skills and unbelievably forced "crazy" laugh have finally become appreciated.



Happy Monday, Everyone! Remember that tomorrow is Garbage Day.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Pennsylvania Bow-Saw Massacre!





Were you expecting Leatherface?


Jewels and I have a holiday tradition, where we go to Linvilla Orchards every year around Christmas to get our holiday tree. Linvilla has a deal where you pay a fee to hop in a tractor, get taken out to the middle of a Christmas tree forest, given a bow-saw, and then released for an indefinite time to find a tree of your liking and then cut it down.
I found the tree of my wife's desire

This was our third straight year and it was by far the coldest. 25 degrees at 2pm to be exact. Look at the pictures below...I am uber bundled up!

The cold brought out the crazy in me
So crazy that I "cut the cake" with the tree; aka make a motion like I'm humping the tree. Long story!

I hate to sound like a toolbanger, but I look forward to this every year. I guess it's the thrill of man versus the elements and the wild (even though it's about as secluded as a city block), but it is so much fun.


My ode to the hospital scene in Exorcist 3, but in reverse

I move in for the final blow.


"I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!"


I got my prize and I'm ret-to-go


Yes I know. I am very immature.


See the sequel to Bow-Saw Massacre next Christmas!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

ETMC's second (and third) meetup with Allison of Allison-Writes.



I am one of those people who doesn't look for zaniness, but it always seems to search out and find me. Same thing goes with Allison (of the awesome Allison-Writes). So I think when we both get together, the bizarre forces in the universe feel a strong magentic draw to us...and all we can do is laugh and take in the experiences.

In our second and third ETMC / Allison-Writes meetups last week, Allison and I went back to the Reston Town Center for a little fun in 30 degree weather. Things started off bad when we went to get our ice skates from the rental booth and we were told that the rink was closed. I looked back to the ice and saw a zillion people skating around and having fun, so I turned back to the attendant and had an exchange with him:

Me: "It's umm closed?"

Attendant: "Yes. It's a private party."

Me: "When is there a public party?"

Allison found the schedule and saw that we could come back on Wednesday night for open skating.
What would be a good replacement for ice skating? Getting shit-faced on margaritas at Uncle Julios Fine Mexican Food, of course.
Some things happen for a reason and I think the private party shutdown opened a whole new world of hilarity for us to enjoy instead - beginning with our waitress named Bubbly. Well that wasn't her real name, we just named her that because she never identified herself when she first approached our table. Nor did she let us know what the specials were or anything else that usual servers do in every other restaurant I have ever attended. She was certainly a "special" girl with great taste in ties. Pretty girl with a nice little pumpkin butt and all, but you could have more intelligent conversation with a books of matches. Here's how some of the dialogue went down:

Me: (saracstically) "Another margarita? Are you trying to get me drunk or something?"

Bubbly: (in a bit of a panic) "Umm...no."

--------------------------------------

Me: (jokingly) "Wait. I gave you my AmEx Black card."

Bubbly: (with smoke starting to come out of her ears) "Ummm......uh....not so much."

Me: ?????????

Then I recommended we check out the Hyatt's huge main lobby. They have a giant Christmas candyland that I remember seeing when I stayed there last year. All we wanted was a nice picture together by the candyland for our blog, but instead we had another encounter with the bizarre when we asked the WRONG people to take our picture. It was a weird couple - one wealthy silverfox and his lady friend, who reminded me of the crazy RV redheaded lady from Rest Stop. But this chick wasn't wearing her shoes and was cradling a tupperware container of pictures.

This is the couple who took our pics, sans the twins

The silverfox spent a few minutes taking photos with Allison's camera and a few minutes with mine. In the meantime after ignoring the warning by hotel management to put her shoes back on, crazy redhead lady from Rest Stop was doing mini-splits in the air and yelling out, "Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! I love you!" to the silverfox. Allison and I stayed gripped together the entire time, trying not to completely lose our shit. I looked at Allison and muttered how happy I was to have a witness to this insanity. Some conversation with them post-picture taking led us to pretty much guarantee that these two were married...to other people...and were meeting for a rendevous. Double-dipping if you will. I noticed they checked out my wedding ring and Allison's bare finger and thought we were trick-or-treating as well. Boy did we embrace the crazy and completely fuck with them too.

We had a blast on Wednesday too. If you are interested, you can read more about that evening as well as a breakdown of the funny quotes at Allison's blog. Trust me when I tell you that you will laugh your ass off. Highlights inlcude liability bracelets, photobombing, flying monkeys, ice skating and Nick Swarsdon. There's something in the water down in Reston, Virginia, I tell 'ya. This is never more evident than when you see a group of skeet-skeets drunkingly walking by an outdoor ice rink chanting "OOT-OOT! OOT-OOT!" Of course I can't help but to answer the ancient mating call back to them, "OOT-OOT!"



Our time last week was all smiles

And a personal message to Allison: "Your welcome for a taste of Philadelphia's little treasure, Tastykakes! Glad you enjoyed/are enjoying them." Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a Tastykake. We all need to remember that.


Now I have to figure out how to get a fresh cheesesteak down to you when I see you next time.

Allison, my Virgina Shaw-ty!

Please check out her blog if you get a chance.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Rasslin' Retrospective: The Four Horsemen



The ultimate heel stable ever assembled

I miss pro wrestling. The real pro wrestling, not the "Mark Cuban as guest GM" crap that is fed to viewers nowadays. When I was a little kid, I used to cheer on the faces (good guys) and boo the heels (umm...heels) while watching the WWF. Until one Saturday night, I tuned into TBS and began watching the National Wrestling Alliance (NWA) brand. That was the night everything changed. That was the night I was introduced to the Four Horsemen.

The Horsemen included: NWA World Champ "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, the former NWA U.S. Champ "The Total Package" Lex Luger and the NWA World Tag Team Champs "The Enforcer" Arn Anderson (or Double AA) and Tully Blanchard and managed by James J. Dillon. Man these guys were cool. Luger didn't really seem to fit in with the rest of them though and it was easy to tell. During this show's edition, the Horsemen got pissed off that Luger attacked Dillion in order to win the Bunkhouse Brawl batlle royal. Just when things seemed to be on the mend, the three remaining Horsemen kicked the living shit out of the built-like-a-shit-brickhouse Luger. I mean they beat him to a pulp. It was a little more brutal then the stuff I used to see on WWF, but I loved it nonetheless. Soon the Horsemen became my heroes.

They were the f'n coolest. The Horsemen always wore suits, had women in both arms, drank like rock stars, and beat the living shit out of anyone who stood in their path. If one of them were in danger of losing their titles in a match, the rest of the Horsemen would jump in a save a loss. Their goals was to keep the gold "in the family". They were the chaps with all the straps, at least the ones that mattered anyway. But the best part about them was that their physiques looked like they worked out one day a week. These guys were not ripped and steroid mongers, they were just stocky and mean to the bone. Their signature was to lift their hands up, tuck their thumb back and let their lifted four fingers be the offical sign for the Four Horsemen.

Their interviews went on for 10 minutes and they knew just how to suck the viewers into their stories. I marked out to them so hard, I even bought a Horsemen t-shirt as well as the Horsemen supplements the NWA advertised during their broadcasts. I wish I kept that bottle for nostalgia!!

ETMC Side Note: I was active in martial arts, baseball and ice hockey at the time I started taking those "supplements". Those things made me sick...probably because they were nothing but giant sugar pills. My dad used to tell me that if I wanted a physical frame like Arn Anderson I didn't need to take the Horsement supplements. I could just eat at McDonalds more.

This should have been the #1 tipoff to not buy their supplements
My friends didn't really "get" NWA and didn't comprehend the company's appeal to me. Back then the wrestling business was separated into territories and the NWA was a southern-based organization. Since I lived in Philly, the WWF was in my territory but I loved both organizations all the same. It's just that WWF was always the #1 overall organization worldwide, so it was easier to go to the Spectrum and root on Randy Savage opposed to traveling all the way to Baltimore to see the Horsemen in action.

Within a few months, they added a new member, Barry Windham, who was the quintessential babyface and former Texas States Heritage Champion...btw what the hell was that title for anyway? Windham, who was co-tag champs with Luger, screwed his partner and basically forfeited his title reign with Luger just to join the Horsemen. How f'n badass is that? As soon as he threw up the Horsemen sign, this was both the biggest shock for a babyface like him to join the crew but also one of the coolest wrestling moments on television at the time.

During the 1987-1989 era, the Horsemen unit of Flair, Windham, Anderson, and Blanchard were the greatest "version" of the Horsemen in my opinion. I know that Ole Anderson was an original member of the stable, but I did not watch NWA back then. They looked like they were legitimately friends in real life who lifed the "jet flyin', limousine riding" lifestyle they preached about on a daily basis. Their on camera performances were able to blur the lines between the fantasy wrestling universe and real life because they didn't wear funky garments or have any silly gimmicks. These dudes looked like everyday guys who would kick your ass in a supermarket if you looked at them the wrong way.



Their interviews were the best in the business. Hands down!

Anderson and Blanchard went on to a brief yet successful stint in the WWF and Windham eventually followed suit before Anderson and Windham returned (Blanchard left the business due to drug problems), but it was really never the same. The "real" Horsemen were dead to me even though they had re-incarnations that included Sting, Sid Vicious (ugh), Paul Roma (lol) and Steve "Mongo"McMichael (oh God!).

Even though these new versions were in no way as cool as the 87-89 era I enjoyed, I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Horsemen. So much so that in 1996 when the WCW created the NWO and treated the Horsemen as a bunch of bitches, I totally went WWF and never looked back...until the WWF took over control of the business and became unwatchable.

Check out the Four Horsemen vitamin commercials below:

Commercial One

Commercial Two