As an update to my post from yesterday, which you need to read before this one or else you will think I have gone off the deep end for sure, here is my submission to US Airways to be one of the next Contributors in their publication. I have followed the format of the other contributors: Name, blog name, mantra, profile and then story. Here we go…
Mantra: “I Brake For Awesomeness!”
Profile: A 30-something who has had way too much education or should we say has way too many educational loans to pay back, Geof uses his blog to write about…well we are not really sure. It’s kind of all over the place. When not blogging, being awesome, playing video games, obsessing over fantasy football, being lethargic, working too hard at his job, watching awful films to torture himself, bitching about pointless things, and attending a ridiculous amounts of sporting events like he plays for the team or something, Geof spends free time with his wife trying to figure out scams to get ahead in life without facing criminal charges. And he really despises uppity people, like the people we usually have contribute to our publications.
See Page 18
Title: “Ankle-licious” or “An-kleing Me Softly”
The last few months have been hard on me both at the office and at home. Work demands are really stockpiling and shrinking my bandwidth, credit card companies keep increasing my APR because Obama announced that he was passing a law to not let credit card companies raise APRs in 2010 but should have kept it to himself because now they are raising APRs like crazy for no reason before his deadline, and the Eagles major free agent signing this off-season was a man who was imprisoned for heading up a dogfighting ring and plays a position that is not a real need for them.
Times have been tough and I simply could not find a spark that could change the momentum in my favor. Until that one, hot July morning when Sheila walked into the office. It was unusual for the temperature to be in the high 90’s just outside of downtown Philadelphia at 8:30am, but it must have been fate.
Sheila, usually dressed very business-like, walked into work wearing a skirt that cut off right at the bottom of her knees. This part-time employee usually wore dress pants, so the sight of her beautiful ankles glistened by the office fluorescents was too much for me to take. As she strolled to her cubicle, it was as if she was gliding along the worn-out office rug in slow motion.
My joy turned to anger as I noticed that I was not the only one who was savoring every hairless pore on Sheila’s ankle. The entire male portion of the workforce was also eyeing her luscious gams. She looked at the men in scorn to turn their stares away, but they refused to succumb. Funny thing is that most of these men never even so much as looked at her before but now they were running up to her cubicle to say hello and bring her tea and candy while attempting to make small talk. Hmm, interesting.
Poor Sheila began to feel awkward with all of the unwanted attention and in her jitteriness, reached down and lightly scratched her ankle leaving a dry skin mark scrape with her nail. I immediately ran to the bathroom.
After a long look in the mirror and some self-reflection, I realized what had happened to me today. The momentum shift I desperately needed to happen did indeed occur not only to me, but to all of the other males in the office as well. A new craze has been discovered and I am happy to share this with you all: the Ankle fetish.
Gentlemen like myself all over the globe do not have to feel ashamed anymore about their infatuation for the above-the-foot region, which is commonly called Ankle Fetish Fever or AFF. This is a phenomenon that simply cannot be ignored any longer. Women have also stepped forward to express their love of mens’ ankles. A majority of female-owned businesses are even going so far as to change the classic “business casual” requirements for their male co-workers to include shorts. Now they can enjoy the euphoric effect of AFF. So you see, this is not sexist thing at all. AFF is a co-ed sport and everybody wants to play the game.
Ankles are the new “breast” or “booty”. Plastic surgeons have even begun to jump on the bandwagon in recent months to take advantage of the AFF trend. Corrective surgeries to repair “cankles”, where fat connects the calf and the ankles together thus making them into one body part, have literally gone through the roof. Breast augmentations are down and ankle corrections are the new hottest thing going in the corrective surgery field.
AFF’s mass appeal has even caused narcissists to have more work on their lower body regions, including shin scuffing. Scuffing of the shin provides a distinctive sheen on the body part which helps exemplify the overall area. Dermatologists are starting to lick their chops over the prospect of foot de-swelling and toe buffing procedures as well. Currently there are four of the top plastic surgeons in Los Angeles who are offering promotional packages to clients called FAST (Foot, Ankle, Shin, and Toe correction). Marketing campaigns for these promotions include: “Live Life FAST!”, “Move into the FAST Lane”, “Be the FAST and the Furious all at once!”, and “Don’t Be Caught FAST Asleep!”
As the craze begins to spread internationally, now is the best time to schedule a consultation to get the most out of your legs, or as one campaign states, “Get a Leg Up in Life.”
Now that is funny! I think US Airways will probably take my submission and immediately use it for firewood, but this is hella funnier than refrigerating vegetables. Imagine reading this while being smashed in your window seat by two sweaty members of the Klumps who plop down next to you. That wouldn’t be so bad after reading this masterpiece!
The idea is heavy-handed, so I am looking to you, my precious ETMC readers, to share some potential story ideas.
Comments and suggestions (or even defamations) are welcome.